


superstar in your own private movie, i wanted just a minor part.

by heroinchic



Category: Trainspotting (Movies)
Genre: :(????, M/M, beautifully fucking ilustrated by our protagonists, the consequences of having no emotional intelligence at your twenties
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:21:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24520759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heroinchic/pseuds/heroinchic
Summary: -we will be alright, not matter what happens. or how much time it happens and i meant what i said. is not the same with anyone else and you know it never would be-simon whispered, as it was a secret no one could never know about.renton was holding simon's hand while he told those words, words that would be printed in his mind for the next twenty years. he kissed his knuckles with softness.-we will be okay- he said, with the same security simon had said it. a silent promise.a short story about the words apparently devoid of meaning that they both said when they were young, before mark left. and a song that will always reminded them of each other.
Relationships: Mark "Rent Boy" Renton/Simon "Sick Boy" Williamson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	superstar in your own private movie, i wanted just a minor part.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this really quick around two in the morning and i only edited it once, sorry if there's any huge mistakes on the spelling or the verbs lmao. enjoy.

_waitin' for a sign from you_

_waitin' for a signal to change_

_have you forgotten what your love can do?_

_is this the end?_

renton payed attention to the music while diane lighted another joint. she had come visit at his flat and had some new music that wanted to show mark.

_walkin' through the city_

_your boots are high-heeled and are shinin' bright_

_the sunlight sparklin' on the shaft of your knife_

_flower in the morning rain_

_dying in my hand_

_was it all in vain?_

-is good innit?- diane said about the band, and yeah they were good, mark was surprised that he hadn’t heard them before.

-yeh, they kinda make me feel a little bit sad-he said. the melody was amazing but the lyrics, trying to hold a bluntly tone, hided a lot of sadness.

-why’s that? fight with your boyfriend?

-what?- Renton looked at her with a frown and a ‘’i have no idea wat yer talking about’’ façade.

-you only get sad with the music i show you when you are fighting with sickboy- she said simply, passing him the joint.

-that’s not true, besides we have been doing the opposite of fighting- he said.

he thought about how the last two months he and simon had been fucking, everywhere and whenever. it started at one night with speed and too many beers, they were returning from the club, with simon’s arms around renton’s shoulders, tumbling trought the streets of leith at the beginning of sunrise, giggling and shouting nonsenses until their cheeks hurted too much from smiling. as soon as they arrived to the flat mark kissed him on the neck, just an impulse, a quick kiss. they both laughed like maniacs and as the laughs were ending, simon’s gaze got darker and closer to mark’s eyes, until they both started the kiss. it ended in mark’s losing his virginity and simon disappearing for a week. until he came back at the flat one night and mark was too drunk to fight and simon did some kind of apology and they both ended having sex again, this time with simon waking by his side, kissing his face tenderly. when they both got at the pub to reunite with the rest of the group, they didn’t hold hands and seat at different extremes of the table, talking and joking as if nothing had happened.

mark have learned quickly that that was their new normal and at first he was more than happy for it, but then he started to crave for more. more simon, all for him, no more sharing, no more ‘’keep it casual’’

diane was the only one who know about it.

_superstar in your own private movie_

_i wanted just a minor part_

_but I'm no fool_

_i know you're cool_

_i never really wanted your heart_

-it just makes me feel weird, how quick he can change, how quick he can fake. he is lying to the rest of the world or just only to me? - mark asked with frustration.

diane went silent for a long time, thinking how she could explain this to mark.

-as far as i’ve knew simon, i know that he can lie to everyone, but not to himself, at least not for a long time, sooner or later it hit hims, he only pretends it doesn’t because it scares him shitless.

mark looked at her a little bit surprised, she was really good at reading people’s emotions and intentions. mark knew that about simon tho, since their first years of friendship when they were just kids. but he liked to believe that when it was about renton, sickboy could be a little bit different, more open, more honest. after all they were bestfriends and mark have saw him in his very worst moment, heard him cry at the other room when Dawn died, simon sometimes cried quietly besides him at bed, when he thinked mark was asleep, neither of them said nothing, mark just hold his hand until simon fell asleep between sobs.

_you're keeper of the key_

_nothing seems to bring you down_

_it's not that cool when I'm around_

_flower in the morning rain_

_dying in my hand_

_was it all in vain?_

the lyrics in the background kept being slowly and beautifully sanged while mark mind’s was a turmoil.

as the weeks had passed the sex had stopped being just quick and detached because of the things simon said almost everytime, how he started to whisper about mark being gorgeous while he kissed his chest, how he touched him while saying on his ear that ''this was like touching heaven’’, ‘’almost as good as a hit’’, and a ton of stuff that mark thought were the things simon’s told all his other women, but while they were kissing and moaning each other’s name, mark chosed to believe that simon only used those words with him. that no one else had simon they way mark did.

-with no one else is like this mark, no one gets me like this- simon said, after they had finished and were smoking a cigarette, when mark was about to answer, sickboy started to kiss him again. mark wanted to said ‘’i don’t like anyone else they way that i like you and i think i never would’’ but he was to lost in the pleasure, simon intimidated him the most when they were like that.

-why don’t ya just tried to ask him mark? know he has quiet the temper. but it wouldn’t kill him talking about what he feels, what he wants, what he thinks about this relationship- diane told him before she left.

-not a relationship, besides he never talks about it. i don’t want to freak him out and lost this little extra pleasure ye know?- he said.

_superstar in your own private movie_

_i wanted just a minor part_

_but I'm no fool_

_i know you're cool_

_i never really wanted your heart_

mark kept thinking about that verse of the song and diane’s words. he could ask simon, if he saw him like more than just an easy and secured shagg.

a week later, when him and simon were watching telly and the blonde one was talking about some story spud had told him, mark tried to gather all the fucking courage he had. but he regretted that immediately after the words came out to emotional for his taste.

-i don’t like sharing you simon.

sickboy looked at him with a straight face, waiting for mark to continue, trying to not look how he felt: anxious and out of place.

but mark didn’t continued.

-what do you mean rents? - simon decided to act casual and kept looking at the tv, taking another drink from his beer.

Renton was silent for what felt like hours.

-i don’t want to share ye simon- was now close to simon’s face which make him look at him, making dificcult to look ‘’casual’’ when renton voice was so suddenly deep and low.

mark didn’t knew and didn’t care anymore about where the fuck he took the courage to speak again, loud and clear. he expected to simon to brush the comment off, to even laugh about it if he was in the mood to be cruel. but only caused to simon to kiss him full of hunger and yearning.

and they were the _words_ again, betweens mark’s sighs and simon’s hand all over him.

-i long for you, did you knew that Mark? you are the only one i long for, you all day long, until this moments. our moments.

-and i want that to stay that way- renton said, he started to kiss simons neck- i want you only for me.

-what about you mark? you are only mine right? i cant describe how much it would anger me to know that you been someone elses- simon tone was deep now but what he said sounded like a prayer, not a threat.

-you already know the answer to that, you are the only one who can do whatever you want with me.

and that was the shotgun sign to simon for fucking him as hard and -somehow- as tender as he ever had before. he was even more tender than usual at the end, they always had conversations when they finished and their breaths and heartbeats were at his normal rate. they would talk about anything for hours to last while listening to some records. if only their friends knew that their eyebags weren’t for the skag lately, but for all the sleepless nights talking and smoking after sex.

sometimes they would talk about nonsenses, other nights about things that have been bothering them. simon’s father and his constant calls to ‘’get him to visit the family’’ which was code for humiliating him at the very first moment simon put a step on that house, the way mark had to deal with numbness of life after being off the skag for a while now, how work and friends weren’t enough, how sex was their only true release lately. maybe that’s what simon have meant when he said ‘’with no one else is like this’’ and it was true. sex was a stress relief, but with simon it was more like a life relief, in those sleepless nights everything outside their room didn’t mattered, wasn’t real.

-i think we will be okay rents- said simon suddenly, when mark thought he was asleep already, his head was resting on the arms of the blonde one.

-what you talking about?- mark asked, supporting his arm over the pillow to have a better view of simon.

-we will be alright, not matter what happens. or how much time it happens and i meant what i said. is not the same with anyone else and you know it never would be-simon whispered, as it was a secret no one could never know about.

renton was holding simon's hand while he told those words, words that would be printed in his mind for the next twenty years. he kissed his knuckles with softness.

-we will be okay- he said, with the same security simon had said it. a silent promise. 

too much shit happened after that. he thought that that night had meant more to simon, but two days after they were at a party and mark found simon at the bathroom fucking a bird that Begbie had introduced to the group only an hour ago. simon saw him, but didn’t stopped, ‘’close the door rent boy some privacy for fucks sake’’ mark did so, he cried alone the whole way back home, mostly angry at himself for believing that simon had been honest for once in his fucking life. that he cared for more than just sex and scamming and hurt the shit out of everyone around him. they shared the apartment for just a few more weeks after that, sleeping in their respective bedrooms, only seeing each other three or four days at week, they still watched movies together and kept light conversations at the pub with the rest of the group, no one found out, it ended just had how it had started: like if nothing had happened.

then tommy died and all changed even more, all turned to shite, london turned to shite, everything was too unbearable both in London and in Leith.

everything reminded him of how fucked up everyone and everything was, a depressive reminder of the life he was choosing, or not choosing, he had lost contact with whatever the fuck he used to believe in.

he thought about disappearing completely every time he recalled tommy or dawn, he sinked himself in thinking how simon never touched him again after mark confronted him about simon fucking that girl at that party and how sickboy laughed cruelly at the comment and had said in the most indifferent way ‘’its not cheatin mark yer being ridicilous, its not like we are boyfriends for fucksake’’

he lost the only person who would have understood everything that was tormenting him every second of every day. he didn’t want to talk with anyone else who wasn’t simon and even if he could reach him, because it felt like they were oceans between them even when they were just sitting next to each other, he still wanted to save some dignity.

 _‘’its not the same with anyone else’’_ _‘’ you are the only one i long for’’_ words void from meaning that made echo in his head every night, even the night he stole the money.

that night he lied to himself thinking how easy was to act like there was nothing left of that love and that yearning for company and mutual comprehension, that he was only leaving behind an old and twisted friendship.

_but I'm no fool_

_i know you're cool_

_i never really wanted your heart_

the first night at leith after mark left with the money, simon was at the back of a pub, smoking and recovering himself after fucking someone in the bathroom. he had pills and too much whiskey on him, but still somehow conscious and functioning enough for his brain to reminded him non-stop about a certain friend who just betrayed him. or more than a friend. simon eyes were full of tears and he kicked a garbage can, the floor was slippery and that made him fell heavily on his back, bitter laugh coming out his lips. he just wanted to shut his brain for a minute, shut down the memories of the nights were he have said all those words to mark, words full of truth and devotion, words he would have never dared to tell anyone else and how little it had meant to mark who just left him without a warning. he hand’t the strength to get up from the cold floor, just laid there smoking while tears fall down nonstop, he smiled bitterly at the memory of how he had fucked up that night he told mark that he wasn’t cheating because they weren’t nothing. how bad he wish he could come back and apologize and tell him that he just was fucking scared, that suddenly he was being honest with himself and with mark all the time and that scared him.

music came from the pub, a feminine voice signing sad lyrics in a bluntly way.

_waitin' for a sign from you_

_waitin' for a signal to change_

_have you forgotten what your love can do?_

he hummed the melody with a sad smile drawn on her lips, mark played that song constantly at the flat they used to share, he put it on after they had sex and then they would start with their long conversations. conversations that simon couldn’t accept that were gone forever.

_superstar in your own bright movie_

_i wanted just a minor part_

_but I'm no fool_

_i know you're cool_

_i never really wanted your heart_

the last lines of the song resonated in simon’s brain. making more tears fall. that was the first of too many nights he drunkenly cursed marks memory behind the walls of a pub because a song had opened the pandora box, the box where sickboy kept everything related to rentboy.

-for fuck’s sakes Mark, you…we fucked up- he said, voice trapped in a sob followed by the sad attempt of a laugh before he took another long drag from his cigarette and got up to enter the pub again.

**Author's Note:**

> the song in question: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0J1LV5R2ryY 
> 
> was very soothing (and kinda sad) writing while listening to that album (She Hangs Brightly by Mazzy Star (1990) )  
> oh and i found out that using personal experiences as inspiration is actually quite theraupetic! cheers i guess.
> 
> thanks for reading! :) i appreciate the comments, stay safe.


End file.
